The title has nothing to do with the post. I’m just immature.
Actually, I wanted to call it Mutually Assured Destruction, because I nuked a ten year friendship over the weekend. But I’m more or less fine. So it wasn’t my destruction. And I’m sure my friend is fine, or will be.
On friendship. On bullshit, onomatopoeia…uhhhhhh. So what the fuck happened?
Long story. The easiest starting point is that friendship is a loosey goosey term, and people throw it around because they are too embarrassed to be honest about their relationships.
I think a true friend is someone who wants the best for you, even at the expense of themselves. In other words, someone who loves you. Sometimes love leads to erections. mostly not tho, sadness.
But there are all these other people that don’t fit that definition, that we all call friend, guy. So lets try some categories. Key word: try.
1) People you share interests with:
This is easy, you like that person, in some limited fashion, largely because there are few truly individual pursuits, and a buddy that can share your passions is great…Do I need to say more? You know this.
2) People you have chemistry with:
Let me just struggle through this one. The personality is a real(ish) thing, and some personalities gel better with other personalities. Real competitive people like to compete with other real competitive people, and sometimes they like admirers, and sometimes people like to admire people. There are bazillions of combinatrixs of personalities. But sometimes its just easy to be around someone, and that works for a while. But it doesn’t get you to love.
3) People you just know, because you spend forever with them because of circumstance
Time has a funny way of revealing the nuances of someones’ character. I think we naturally just like familiarity. And nostalgia for past gives us warm glow. So people have a tendency to think this means friendship. It doesn’t.
4) People you don’t really like, but are usefull
This happens. I think we are really embarrassed to admit this one, and it is culturally punished to reveal this stance to another person. These are people we use. I of course don’t do this.
5) People we admire, want to emulate / People we feel we can teach
This one is maybe just people we share passions with, but it seems a little more specific.
There are easily more categories…but why keep categorizing?
The categories are situations, and all of them can be the foundation of a real true friendship, but none of the necessarily get you there.
It really is about love, dude, bro, man, girl, sweetie.
What’s love got to do, got to do with it? Ok. It ultimately is about whether you want that other person to be their most fulfilled person. And you really have to want it. Because you can sit there and posture all day on how you possibly might want this for everyone, hence everyone is yo fwiend. But you don’t want this, not at the expense of yo fwiend time with that other person, do you?
This is where is gets tough. Why did I nuke a friendship? Because I didn’t feel that anything mattered but form, substance was lacking. Pick one of the categories, or make up a new one. Ultimately, there is a lot of expectation that gets built up over time. You share a passion, and when those passions diverge…if you aren’t true friends, that feels like a huge loss, and you want to pull that other person towards you, even at some cost to that other persons’ passions, and so there is some damage done here to yo fwiend.
To be fair, you might do that, pull your friend in the wrong direction, if you love the person, people fuck up, but ultimately you hopefully correct that mistake. See the bird for the feathers.
And ultimately there is a whole dimension of depth. You can love people to varying degrees, but there is one fundamental truth that has to be maintained…you have to put the other person before yourself, in your own mind, to some degree. You have to enjoy seeing the other person flourishing. Despite your own sense of loss that you may not be the most central figure in that flourishing. You take joy in that shit. It’s like a mutually assured erection that way. They get a success boner, and you get a remote-success boner (I’m not aware of any women actually reading this, but you get lady versions of boners. What is that? Like really wet? Forgive me I’m clueless. Everyone is hot to trot, glory).
What you don’t get is resentment. Or the sadz. You sure as hell don’t interfere and try to make the other person feel guilt. People are responsible for their own happiness, and it takes a unique set of circumstances for a given person to be happy. Whatever the fuck happiness is. So friends help friends be happy.
Now in closing, it is a long life, and there is no need to waste one of those 5 categories…or whatever categories. If you have a relationship that can be a friendship…don’t be butthurt if it isn’t the case today. And be honest with yourself. If you want it. Great. If not. O well. If on second thought, you actually love somebody, and you be being a dinkus, you got time, just own the mistake and make it better.